Denying Self in A Self-Care World
Kyle Davies January 5, 2021

Natural breaks are good for the soul. Slowing down. Reflecting. I’m thankful for times of the year where it’s good to do just that — rest. 

I don’t know about you, but rest can seem evasive. Like good rest. Where you are refreshed. I have a bad habit of thinking about how watching TV will provide a few moments of respite I need. In the midst of pastoring, editing videos, meetings, making time for my marriage, and parenting three wild and curious kiddos, zoning out for a few minutes seem appealing. I was reminded about how ineffective zoning out is for actual rest when I passively turned on an episode of Last Man Standing. The kids had been watching the Masked Singer finale. It was the other most recent episode on Fox. Two minutes into the episode, Mike and his wife Vanessa were navigating the evasive “me-time” and time for “self-care.” I’ll use these phrases interchangeably throughout the rest of the article.

The often repeated words within our culture made their appearance as an encouragement to one another: You need more time for yourself—how can you care for others if you aren’t caring for yourself first?

The sentiment seems right. Is this true, even for us Christians? Where does self-care fit in the biblical worldview? How do we practice denying ourselves in a self-care world?

First, what self-denial is not. It’s not pretending to be super-human. Self-denial is not wanton disregard on your physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual health. When approaching self-care and self-denial it needs to be said: We are human. We are finite. We will run out of energy. We will run out of strength. We will run out of time. We weren’t designed to carry everything. Therefore, let’s not equate denying self with denying our humanity. You have limits. Embrace the limits. Paul writes to the Corinthian church about the physical challenges he faced for the sake of his witness to others.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me. So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and in difficulties, for the sake of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

We are finite. We must rely on the infinite. However, self-care when left in terms of the world’s standards becomes self-reliance. 

Self-care often stands beside you with a bullhorn saying, “You deserve it.” 

But do you actually deserve it?

The Bible says we have all gone astray (Isaiah 53:6); none of us are righteous on our own (Romans 3:10); nobody does good (Romans 3:12); we have all sinned against the holy God (Romans 3:23). What do we deserve but punishment? And yet God shows us grace. 

Self-care more often than not wants you to take matters into your own hands. The world wants you to exercise self-care because it’s the world’s way of reacting to the impression of what others want or demand from oneself. You did something for someone else. Good. Now do something for yourself.

The self-care mindset often elevates us to believe we deserve much more than we do when in reality we should be replacing our feelings of entitlement with thanksgiving to God for the abundant grace he has shown us. A pivot from self-care to soul care through connection to God rather than surrendering to our own selfishness. Rather than do what YOU think is best for yourself, consider what the Holy Spirit would have you do.

Sometimes when we want to pull back, the Holy Spirit gives us an opportunity to serve and while we may walk out of the experience physically exhausted, we may be more refreshed than when we started.

Sometimes you may need to re-evaluate your daily rhythms to best maximize your energy so that you can be present with others, more efficient at work, or give generously. You deny what you would prefer for the sake of what’s best. It may look like getting up early so that your workout doesn’t infringe upon your time with your spouse in the evening. It may mean setting aside your phone at a certain point during the evening to be present with whoever you are with.

Secondly, self-care can become an idol. When we value our self-care above obeying God and taking care of our responsibilities, it is an idol. The self-care mindset can easily begin to elevate ourselves and our needs above all else in our life, including God. We can see that as our resting place, as our escape, instead of finding true rest through Jesus. In Mark 12, Jesus is approached by a scribe and asked, “Which command is the most important of all?”

Jesus answered, “The most important is Listen, Israel! The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. The second is, Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other command greater than these.”  – Mark 12:29-31

I want to make an important note here. The second part of the Great commandment assumes that we will love ourselves well. Therefore, we will treat others with the same care and compassion. We do not always treat ourselves as God has treated us. Therefore, we should take time to intentionally connect with Him so that we can care well for others. Here’s the beauty, even when we are weak, Christ’s strength can be seen in us. Therefore, the ability to care well for others does not necessitate “self-care” however it does necessitate soul care from God. The beautiful thing: God can use different activities to care for our souls. During a walk, a workout, a day of solitude, the Holy Spirit can speak to us.

Jesus said that if we wish to follow him, we will have to deny ourselves. Following Christ means denying our sinful desires in order to be obedient to him. Following Christ will mean giving up our comforts at times. Following Christ will mean enduring humiliation and suffering. This is not a light-hearted command. Following Jesus means we deny ourselves constantly, doing things that go against our sinful nature. But he promises that it is worth it because though we will lose our earthly life, we have a perfect and eternal one.

How do we begin to push back against the false sense of entitlement in our everyday life? We actively choose to give up certain rights and take responsibility for living the way of Jesus.

  1. We give up the right to take revenge (Rom. 12:19–20)
  2. We give up the right to have a comfortable, secure home (Luke 9:57–58)
  3. We give up the right to a good reputation (Matt. 5:11)
  4. We give up the right to spend money however we please (Matt. 6:19–21)
  5. We give up the right to hate an enemy (Matt. 5:43–47)
  6. We give up the right to be honored and served (Mark 10:42–45)
  7. We give up the right to understand God’s plan before we obey him (Heb. 11:8)
  8. We give up the right to live by our own rules (John 14:23–24)
  9. We give up the right to hold a grudge (Col. 3:13)
  10. We give up the right to complain (Phil. 2:14, 1 Thess. 5:18)
  11. We give up the right to put self first (Phil. 2:3–4)
  12. We give up the right to express one’s sexuality freely (1 Cor. 6:18–20)

To help us understand living in the tension of denying self in a self-care world, we have created a value called Spirit over Self: We put God’s purposes and priorities ahead of our own as we daily depend on Him while we live, work, and play. When you face your next difficult choice, maybe slow down and ask the Holy Spirit. You may be surprised how you feel after you respond to the Spirit’s direction.

What part of this article was most challenging for you? Any points of disagreement? What other rights does a follower of Jesus give up for the sake of the gospel?